95 Southbound Traffic and Financial Independence

So I started my new job in Laurel this past two weeks and it's great. I really enjoy it - a lot of the aspects of previous jobs that I loved are the main aspects of this job now. Mainly, talking to people and scheduling things, making sure things are in order and of course, inventory.

It's funny now that I think about it - every single job that I have ever held - whether it was working in Nordstrom's as a saleswoman (or more appropriately, girl), shaving Hawaiian shaved ice in a house in the middle of Timonium, a top commercial construction administrator for a local bank (and virtually sinking ship that I was lucky enough to jump off of before it began its dive into the financial deep end) or as a claims representative/specialist...I have ultimately always been "stuck" (for lack of a better word) with being the same person you'd come to request your 0.2 ball point pens from Uniball. Oh, and what was that? You wanted to make sure it was GEL ink because you like how smooth it glides across those sticky notes as opposed to the generic ink pens they have boxes and boxes of still unopened in inventory? Okay, yes, I'll make sure to buy the sticky notes with alternating sides of "stickyness" before you have a HEART ATTACK and die because the sticky notes don't fit into your AWESOME BLUE-COLORED DISPENSER.

Call me weird or maybe according to Disgrasian, I am just owning up to my Asian-ness but I really love doing the inventory purchases.

I love the thrill of the chase. A dozen pens for $12.99? I bet I can find the same ones for HALF of that through some quick keyword searching on the office supply website. Ohhhh yeah. You know it's a turn on when a woman can find not one carton but TWO cartons of copy paper for $24.99 each. Boo yah, bitches. Doncha wish your girlfriend was HAWT like ME?

The only new adjustments that I have made with this new job is actually having a purpose to waking up so God forsakenly early. Before I was waking up at 3 or 4 AM and aimlessly flipping through my external hard drive to find a movie that I hadn't seen at least a dozen times to try to lull me back to sleep for another hour before I needed to head out to the gym. Now - I legitimately can wake up at 3 or 4 and head to the gym, get a nice hour workout in and then take a shower and head into the wonders that await me on southbound 95.

Perhaps it is because I started this job in mid-summer, but the traffic southbound hasn't been as horrendous as I expected that it might be. It has actually been quite pleasantly - save for an occasional stop-and-go here and there. I think for me the worst part is trying to get HOME. 95 north headed back to Baltimore from Laurel, if you're not out on the road at 4:30 pm on the dot is suicidal. And when I say suicidal I mean me banging my head against the steering wheel hoping to cause permanent hemmorage to my frontal lobe so that it may ease the HORRIBLE EXCRUTIATING PAIN that is the moving parking lot of 95 north. UGH!!

I have also been trying really hard to get back on the financial bandwagon. Not that I had fallen off completely, but you know - losing two jobs within a two year span is not the best thing in the world. Not something that I would wish even on my worst enemy (okay... who I kidding... I would, I would.) And it took me a year and some change to get financially stable with the job before last... and then I got laid off. And then I found a new job that gave me a significant pay cut, no benefits but the work hours of a work horse. No fun. And now I am at this job with awesome benefits, working my way hopefully to a brighter future. It's going to take some time but I've got patience even though sometimes it may not feel like it to myself. I just have to remember the bigger picture and realize that all the suffering today is worth tomorrow's win.

"Death and All His Friends"

When I was younger, I had an overwhelming sense of fear over the prospect of death.

Possibly a bit too morbid, I am aware, for a 9 or 10 year old mentality, but I can grasp at a handful of distinct memories where I would wake up from terror nightmares of imagining what death would be like. At that age, I had no way of having any real depth perception as to what death entailed other than the image of what I saw in movies or TV (probably some episode of McGyver to blame for my fugitive imagination, no doubt).

I can vaguely recall the recurrence of these sleepless nights always beginning with me lying in bed, trying to be utterly still with my mind wandering off slowly. Once I could hear only the bugs outside my bedroom window chirping and buzzing softly, I found myself wondering if this is what death would be like. Don't ask me why, because for the life of me, I have no idea why I would have ever imagined something like this - but I do remember feeling a lot of fear. A lot of angst. I guess I had learned early on through my surgeries and physical therapy as a kid that the preparation for the experience seemed to make the experience itself less upsetting, less frightening. I wanted to know what death was like so I'd be ready.

So I'd lie in self-absorbed solitude for what seemed like forever (which means 3 minutes - tops) until I would suddenly realize that I hadn't been breathing that whole time and would scare the bejeebus out of myself once I gasped for air.

Long story short, none of my meager exploits into the minute life cycle of pre-mortem ever led to any acquiescence about death (with no surprise).

I recently realized that now, even as I delve deeper into my studies to what will eventually (and hopefully) become a career in medicine, I still have no idea what I think death is really like and whether to fear it or accept it for myself. But what I do know is that I fear death for everyone else on this planet. I fear the death of my parents (from either family), I fear the death of my sisters, my brothers, my neighbors, that guy that price checked my Mac & Cheese at the grocery store, the woman who held open the door for me today at REI...

because as I enter these trepid waters of medicine, I take on that responsibility. I am excited, anxious and cautious with a little bit of scared-shitless thrown in there. I know I can do it - deep within the recesses of my brain are all the necessary neurons to succeed. But I would be lying to all of you if I didn't admit that every now and again a little doubt is thrown my way. Maybe it's a bad grade here, a four-hour study session that ends with me killing more brain cells than enhancing...so I know those are the times I need to step back, take a deep breath, and realize that I can do whatever I put my mind to as long as my heart and perseverance is in on the same goal.

I promise to myself to keep writing in this thing - no matter how ominous it might seem. I believe that writing will always be my trusted compass. For whenever I fall off the broken path, once I sit down to write, I allow myself to bare my soul without ever really realizing it.

Been a whole year...

I have been MIA for a whole year! I keep trying to get back into the writing in my blog thing - it'd be the total understatement of the year if I said that SOOOO much has happened to me in 2009, but all in due time.

I have a ton of photos to weed through, a ton of things to talk about, and sooner than later I'll be able to get through all of it! <3

I hope all of you had an amazing holiday time! I know I did, a nice relaxing Christmas with my close best girlfriend and family and a new year celebration that I can only hope to top next January!!!

I'll be back soon...with a vengeance. ;-)