Funny how life works backwards...

In the past week since I have started this Anthralin ("Dritho-scalp") treatment, I have begun to see a whole new me. Is it because I now have peach fuzz growing in patches slowly all over my scalp where it was bald before? Possibly.


It's always good to see something good happening. I remember when I noticed the first patch of peach fuzz two days ago, I thought it was dirt (because the anthralin tends to color the scalp brown) but then after washing my hair twice (and losing a ton more hair in the process) I realized that it wasn't dirt - it was the color of peach fuzz - my old black hair, although baby hair fine, growing back. I couldn't believe it. I was siked.


I still am siked. I can't see the back, but from what friends and family members tell me, they can see some growth in the back, too.


But nothing comes without a cost. I have been losing more hair, too. I have almost become completely bald - I mean I still have pieces of my old hair clinging to stay on - but a lot of my scalp is exposed now. It's impossible for me to get away without wearing a hat like I had done before.


And yet, it's funny how life turns things backwards.


In the beginning, as I watched my hair fall out, every single piece of it pushed me farther and farther into this introverted state of mind. I wanted to hide out in a corner. I wanted to crawl under a rock and never see the light of day.


But now, maybe it's because I am seeing growth and for the first time faced with something more solid to have belief in, but now - this morning when I woke up and I washed my hair, and I saw the pieces falling every where, I almost felt more empowered.


I feel the urge to be more extroverted. I feel the urge to just not wear the hat - no matter how odd it looks. And I treat my hair situation as if it is normal. Because eventually, if this alopecia continues in my life, my hair situation will be normal for me. So why not start now?


I do have to admit that it's about time to wear a wig. There are only so many days I can pull off wearing a hat and sometimes it gets uncomfortable and confining. I'd rather be able to not wear the hat and just wear the wig although the thought has crossed my mind that essentially, the wig might not be much better. Essentially the wig is just a hat disguised as hair - and I might feel confined in that, too but at least it's worth a try.


I just don't know of any good wig places.

Thank God hats are allowed in clubs!

This weekend, by the encouragement of my "brother" Paul, I will be braving the mysterious waters of -=the DC club circuit=-. *DUN DUN dunnnn!!*

He thinks it'll be good for me to just get out, have fun, and stop worrying about my hair and what people think. I kinda just like the fact that I'll be able to dance and let out some frustration, anger, etc, etc...any wild emotion that decides to claim my dancing feet and give me the rhythm-junkie fever.

So I am headed to Ibiza on Saturday (that new club in DC). I haven't ever been...but of course the "crew" (minus J) has been and has said that it's spectacular. A candy-raver's dream, apparently. And I've been told by other close friends that I will particularly love it (because everyone knows I am addicted to things that glow, and blink with flashing lights. It's the best!) since the club has an awesome light-show effect in the main room. Sweeeeet...maybe it'll flash so many lights that you can't see anyone, and then I won't have a problem with being there and possibly taking my hat off for a song or two...? Ahhh, I am starting to think of all the fun possibilities there are of removing the hat and being free...but I still find I have my reservations. That's okay, I'll slowly get over my fears.

Have you noticed I have joined the ranks of Goosey and Bou? My favorite Chinese sisters have gotten me addicted to Last.fm. I LOVE that site! Nowadays, I just come home and put on that radio and just get ready to go to bed. Of course, I listen to my iPod at work. I won't ever lose my love for you, oh sweet iPod. But this affair with last.fm is working out pretty deliciously, too.

For right now, the music player is a bit redundant, I know. I have like four of the same artists on there with like fifty of their songs, but I was too excited to go on a decent search for songs last night to add to the playlist so I could post it on my blog today.

Back to work...

HOT DAMN!

Break out the confetti...turn up the volume on the Rocky Theme Song...

Ladies & Gentleman...

I officially went to the gym today

WITHOUT MY HAT!

Although I spent the first 16 minutes of my workout looking around and nervously imagining that people were staring at my head while I was on the stair stepper...I made it through. I toughened up and just focused on making it through the workout, and turned up the volume on my iPod and rocked out to some Montell Jordan. (Yes, some people still rock out to "This Is How We Do It")

It sounds silly, but for me this was a huge step - especially since my haircut yesterday - I suddenly realized how much I was using that ponytail as a cover-up too!!! At least with the ponytail I'd pull it every which way to try and conceal the frontal bald spots - but this time, even though the one was covered, the one that graces my hairline is slightly visible. And I felt vulnerable.

But after a while, I was okay. I just kept my mind off of it. Unfortunately, my entire day-to-day process cannot be ADD-ed into recovery like a 45-minute work out - because I am constantly thinking about it whether I realize it at first or not - but one day at a time. I am just so proud of myself for making it to the gym today. Possibly because I know I'll be hanging at the beach with Mr. John Basedow, Jr. next weekend!

I also want to give a very warm thank you to my friends. You have helped make every single day worth getting up for when I felt there was no other possible inspiration. I know that I can make it through this - and I'll do it with a smile. :-)

Not any better

My head feels like it's going to explode. I was going to try and work on the Part Two of Day One Virgin Fest post today with the pictures that I emailed myself last night but I am just not in the mood.

I feel so grumpy when my head hurts. And it's only 11:43 AM and I have the rest of the day to go through. I actually brought food to eat today but I don't even feel hungry. I just want to lie my head down come 12 noon and take a nap for about an hour.

Last night, I received a package in the mail. It was from UrbanOutfitters. I started to wonder what I had bought and when the last time I was cracked out was - because I certainly don't remember ordering anything or purchasing anything from UrbanOutfitters. But I decided, what the heck, I was going to open it.

Inside I found three hats. Cute hats, real funky. Not ones that I would normally buy for myself but they are definitely growing on me this morning. There was one that was totally me. It was a grey knit cap, shaped like the army cap kind. I love those. I love the way they look and how they feel. And then there were two more caps. One was red with this funky pattern on it in cream and green and then there was one that was blue striped. I really like them. I am wearing the red one today.

So who is the mysterious hat person? I checked on the invoice and at the bottom it said, "I hope you enjoy the hats, babe. Carlo"

Carlo is Bboy#1. This bboy that I met a while back at Sky Lounge. He has this crush on me - despite the fact that I have been telling him that I am not really the type of person made for a relationship. He's a nice guy. I would randomly run into him whenever I went to Sky Lounge to get something to eat, and the breakdancers would start piling in, and he'd always come over to say hi before going upstairs to the dance floor. I never thought anything of it but lately he's been texting me a lot. Telling me to have a good day. He's a real decent guy, but just not my type.

And now the hats. It's the sweetest gesture ever, it really is. Especially since I recently told him about my alopecia. But he's just not my type. I thanked him for the hats though and a part of me feels like maybe I should send them back.