Stressed out to the max

Currently running on -2000 hours of sleep it feels like, but to be more realistic, I'll say 0 hours. Because that's how many hours of sleep I have had in the past 48 hours.

I am so worried about this exam tonight. I don't feel as confident as I should with the neurotransmitters. ACK! I wish I could skip to tomorrow or tonight even, when this exam is over and I have accepted my failure. *le sigh

Master of Musical Irony

Damn stupid fucking school computers. Won't let me compose in the main spot, so if this looks funky, it's because I had to type it in the "Edit HTML" area. And since I am HTML illiterate, this post will just have to look funky.

Okay, so as I was thinking before I was so rudely interrupted by this incompetent piece of crap for a computer...

I was just sitting here listening to my iPod while waiting for my Mom to decide to come and pick me up from school. It's 9:26 pm and I don't think she realizes the things that I still have yet to do tonight - I have to prepare my 6 minute speech for tomorrow about Korea. I also have to create the poster on poster board, and do my hair. I also have to go back to my apartment to pick out clothes so that I have something to wear tomorrow (I start my driving training tomorrow with the State and I am pretty nervous.). I have to do all of this TONIGHT. And yet she told me that I just have to hold on a minute and stay here a little while longer.

Thus why I am blogging while listening to my iPod.

Anyways, I just realized while sitting here and listening to some Phil Collins that he is totally the master of musical irony.

Listen to the beginning of "Throwing It All Away" by Genesis and you'll see what I mean. It starts out with such a happy melody, and then once you get into the song and really listen to the song, it's really kinda sad. Depressing, even.

I mean, take a listen to "Invisible Touch". I am sure all of you danced to it one time or another, but have you really ever listened to the lyrics? It's about a woman that he doesn't even know the name of, that he's never been with - and yet he knows he's in love with. It's basically about that desperation of loving someone you'll never be able to be near.

It amazes me how much Phil Collins is able to take a crap paddy and stuff it in a neat little box and tie it with a pretty ribbon. It becomes a crap paddy disguised as a gift. A pretty little neat package of feel-good toe-tapping beats, with sad, depressing and realistic lyrics tucked in between.

Oh Phil Collins, you genius, you. Thank God you're back on tour with Genesis. Genesis without you is like peanut butter and jelly without the jelly.

Food for thought...Remnants of High School Dreams til Now

This was the prelude for the 2001 edition of my high school's literary magazine, Synergy, written by Ben Paley:

Familia

Come, brother. Come, sister. This year we cekebrate parts of a whole. We are all members, in our own way, of some type of family, be it through blood, through understanding, or through classification. Here, we present to you a new family, a family of works which has all the intricate complexities of any family: the protective older brother, the spinster cousin, the parent who watches over the rest, the disgruntled child who sits quietly in the corner. All the poignancy, the potential for agreement and disagreement, for love and for hate, exists within this family we have created. But, as in any family, each piece has its place, fulfills its role. Only now, the family is anxious. An aura of solicitude hangs over them for a member who has died, or rather, has not yet been born. You, reader, are the member who is absent. It is the pregnancy with the idea of you that sustains this book. So, more than just reading, we invite you to participate: to weep at the sorrow of a widowed aunt, to be angered by a father, to find solace in the wise words of a grandparent, to become a part of this family, for, as parts of a whole, "we are here to split the life" (Oliver 44).

And here I have come to "split the life". To find myself as a part of this whole that we call life. It's been a long hard road and there's probably more rough terrain ahead, but at least I know I can steady my footprint in the ground that has already been walked on by many.

I have been trying so hard to find my place in this world as an individual, but I think that to start out with the individual and focus so much on it is to go crazy. After a while you begin to feel as if you're alone, and the world around you is just a back alley that you tend to wander, pacing in and out of the shadows. Instead, let me think of myself as a part of a whole, a tender piece of fruit that leads to the seed below to help encourage growth.

But what am I part of? My group of friends be them: Korean adoptees, Korean Americans, Asian Americans, close friends, Biology majors, family. In a way, I am a part of them all honestly, just as much as they are a part of me.