I am hanging on by a thread...

This morning I woke up and felt this nauseating feeling in my stomach. As if my intestines were arguing angrily with the rice I ate the night before - rumbling hard to get the rice the hell off their turf.

And that'd be okay, if it didn't wake me up abruptly at 3 AM - when I hadn't gone to bed until midnight after trying to finish my Chemistry homework. Which by the way, wasn't a successful attempt at all.

There's a quiz tonight on Nomenclature - and I could no more name my stuffed animals when I was younger - much less name ionic and binary compounds. Who am I kidding?

I just keep thinking that if I keep hanging on by this thread - and keep tugging - maybe I'll find the end of the string that leads to the full spool, so I can get my act together. I'm not nervously breaking down or anything, the stress actually helps keep me grounded and centered, in a weird, funky sort of way.

I do hope I can make up for all the points I've lost so far by not being able to complete the damned homework.

Tonight is THE night....

Ugh, I have a speech to give in Speech class tonight. It's the second one that I have done so far (this class is the accelerated class and is going sooo fast!) and I am not looking forward to it.

1. Because I just came up with the topic two minutes ago on my lunch break.

2. Because I also have a quiz on Ch. 10 in the same class tonight.

3. Because it's the last topic that I wanted to do a speech on but the only thing that could come to my mind.

The topic of the speech was "If I could go back in time for a day where, when would I go? Who would I see? Why? What would I take with me and what would I take back?"

Where would I go? I kept sitting there trying to think of some lame topic that would hopefully take me two minutes to come up with - but it seemed like the lame topics were taking me longer.

My mind kept dwindling back to the same thought and I guess that it was my heart, really, telling me what my topic should be: So... if I could go back in time for a day... I would go back to 1985 in Seoul, South Korea, somewhere in those farmlands, and find my birthparents right before I was born.

I would want to show them that I turned out okay. I would want to tell them that I think about them every day and that I wish that things had turned out differently that both them and my adoptive parents could be in my life.

I would want them to know that I graduated high school, that I have a good job, that I want to be in the medical field. I would want my mother to know that I don't hate her for the letter that she sent to America a few months after I left. I want her to know that I forgive them and that if anything, I thank them for not giving up on me, and letting me live so that I could have the life I have lived so far.

Gosh, I just know I am going to burst into tears in class tonight. Exactly what I didn't want to do.

Random Blog About Nothing

This week I let school absolutely consume me. Not only did I have a 5-10 paged paper due today for my History class (of which I had no topic until two nights ago), but I needed to figure out the financial aid mishap to secure my right to student loans, and of course, register for the fall.

My horoscope for the week read:
The Full Moon in Scorpio on Wednesday will occur in your mysterious twelfth
house. This may mean that your dreams are very powerful and perhaps quite wild.
You may see very clearly those areas of your life where you have sabotaged
yourself, and this is your chance to begin the process of healing. You need to
ground your energy, and be sure that you do not spend most of the day
fantasizing and daydreaming.


Nothing is more clear than staring at a transcript that is less than stellar. It was more painful scrolling down that line of F's than mentally accepting it like I had been doing. It became a sort of dialogue I made up in my head when meeting someone new, or catching up with old friends: "Oh 2005? It wasn't a good year for me. That fall I flunked out of my classes terribly...I just had a lot going on."

And I did have a lot going on. I was a misguided, confused, unloved (from the mouth of the woman herself), on-the-cusp-of-being-a-young-adult girl. When I look back at what I was
putting myself through because of it: the anguish, the partying, the drinking, the constant escaping...I can see where my mother began the chaos - and where I ultimately ended it. Sure, you know, the situation was crappy, and no one wants to hear that their parents don't love
them, or that they are unwanted by their family. I just look back now and wonder - could I have done anything any differently? I don't think that I would want to - knowing what I know now - and knowing the people that I know now...I don't think that it could have happened any other way.

And yet somehow, I felt like kicking myself in the ass while sitting there, dumbfounded in the student advisor's office, staring at all those F's.

"Do you know where you want to transfer to?" the lady with the jade earrings asked.

"I haven't really even thought about that yet. Should I be thinking about that?" I feel like I am fifty trying to go back and earn my degree. Has it really only been two years?

"Well, yes you should. You know you can't join a P.A. Graduate program unless you have a degree from a four-year institution. And you're coming up to having the full 30 credits you need in order to transfer...your transcript just doesn't show your efforts very well," she was thinking to herself and trying to transmit her thoughts to me at the same time.

My ESP was working wonders. Between her nicely put sentence was, "My goodness...you have a looong way to go before you're ready to submit this transcript to a school for a transfer."

I knew this. So when I sat down to register for classes, I tried to pick two or three classes that balanced themselves out. I didn't want to get overwhelmed and set myself up for failure. I promised myself when I started back to school last fall semester that there would be no F's on that transcript ever again. Unless of course, the F stood for "Fantastic".

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To digress - I have been in this long ongoing battle with my body and its overreaction to the new chemicals and elements all around: basically, my body hates pollen, and pollen hates my body.

I clearly don't remember it being this bad last year. I remember at most it was a sneeze here and there, and a lot of itchy eyes - and that it lasted the first month of spring and then poof! it was gone.

But now I have this sore throat given to me by the kind graces of my post-nasal drip. I also have a bout of chills that come and go - accompanied by a fever in its place. I have lost all signs of itchy eyes - but I kind of want them back because this other stuff is just plain nonsense.

I cracked the window open last night to let some fresh air in, tried to prop my head onto two pillows and wrapped myself in my blankets to keep from getting too chilly. It was the first night that I have slept fully in a week.

So tonight is the paper due night at class. I also expect that he will be handing out something for the final exam review - which is to follow next week. I am slightly nervous. I hate this class. The teacher is amazing, but the subject is plain bloody boring. I stopped reading diligently about the fifth or sixth week (I lasted longer than I expected) and only read enough for me to understand the lectures in class or to answer the questions on the quiz. (Although this last quiz was a doozy and I expect that I will walk in tonight welcomed by a nice big D on the Constitution quiz)

Ahh, okay, back to work. I really want to be asleep right now though.