Thank God hats are allowed in clubs!

This weekend, by the encouragement of my "brother" Paul, I will be braving the mysterious waters of -=the DC club circuit=-. *DUN DUN dunnnn!!*

He thinks it'll be good for me to just get out, have fun, and stop worrying about my hair and what people think. I kinda just like the fact that I'll be able to dance and let out some frustration, anger, etc, etc...any wild emotion that decides to claim my dancing feet and give me the rhythm-junkie fever.

So I am headed to Ibiza on Saturday (that new club in DC). I haven't ever been...but of course the "crew" (minus J) has been and has said that it's spectacular. A candy-raver's dream, apparently. And I've been told by other close friends that I will particularly love it (because everyone knows I am addicted to things that glow, and blink with flashing lights. It's the best!) since the club has an awesome light-show effect in the main room. Sweeeeet...maybe it'll flash so many lights that you can't see anyone, and then I won't have a problem with being there and possibly taking my hat off for a song or two...? Ahhh, I am starting to think of all the fun possibilities there are of removing the hat and being free...but I still find I have my reservations. That's okay, I'll slowly get over my fears.

Have you noticed I have joined the ranks of Goosey and Bou? My favorite Chinese sisters have gotten me addicted to Last.fm. I LOVE that site! Nowadays, I just come home and put on that radio and just get ready to go to bed. Of course, I listen to my iPod at work. I won't ever lose my love for you, oh sweet iPod. But this affair with last.fm is working out pretty deliciously, too.

For right now, the music player is a bit redundant, I know. I have like four of the same artists on there with like fifty of their songs, but I was too excited to go on a decent search for songs last night to add to the playlist so I could post it on my blog today.

Back to work...

HOT DAMN!

Break out the confetti...turn up the volume on the Rocky Theme Song...

Ladies & Gentleman...

I officially went to the gym today

WITHOUT MY HAT!

Although I spent the first 16 minutes of my workout looking around and nervously imagining that people were staring at my head while I was on the stair stepper...I made it through. I toughened up and just focused on making it through the workout, and turned up the volume on my iPod and rocked out to some Montell Jordan. (Yes, some people still rock out to "This Is How We Do It")

It sounds silly, but for me this was a huge step - especially since my haircut yesterday - I suddenly realized how much I was using that ponytail as a cover-up too!!! At least with the ponytail I'd pull it every which way to try and conceal the frontal bald spots - but this time, even though the one was covered, the one that graces my hairline is slightly visible. And I felt vulnerable.

But after a while, I was okay. I just kept my mind off of it. Unfortunately, my entire day-to-day process cannot be ADD-ed into recovery like a 45-minute work out - because I am constantly thinking about it whether I realize it at first or not - but one day at a time. I am just so proud of myself for making it to the gym today. Possibly because I know I'll be hanging at the beach with Mr. John Basedow, Jr. next weekend!

I also want to give a very warm thank you to my friends. You have helped make every single day worth getting up for when I felt there was no other possible inspiration. I know that I can make it through this - and I'll do it with a smile. :-)

Strength Comes in the Number 1

My life story is something of a dramatic movie/book. I can only liken this most recent experience to reading something like "A Wrinkle in Time" or "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe". Suddenly - something tumultuous happens in your life - knocking your views, your morals, your spirituality every which way - and you're pressed into these situations that test your character.


The difference is that when I am reading the book, I can cheer with full faith for Meg Murraythat she will find the inner strength to get through to the next chapter of the book along with her very different little brother Charles Wallace, or know that in my heart that the children will be able to conquer their fears and their insecurities to help beat the White Witch of the woods. But when it's just me as the character - fighting my own battles, having my character tested - it's much harder to be the third person reading the novel that is cheering me on. I had lost faith a long time ago. I don't have the full feeling in my heart that I can make it through this. Not immediately, anyway.


But I realize now that that is what is going to pull me through this. Number One. Numero Uno. The person in my mirror every morning. Myself. Me.

Today I went to go get my haircut after work. But I was nervous. Terrified, even. So I had made the decision to go to the salon (since it's in the same building as my office) during my lunch hour and take a look at some of the haircut books. I wanted to try and at least have an idea of what I wanted even though I was still so depressed about the subject. I kept thinking all last night that there was no hope for me - that any haircut would be terrible because what I had to work with was so little compared to my thick hair that I used to style. I felt no matter what route I went on - that I would ultimately end up looking like a freak. I had nightmares throughout of me getting my hair cut in a Pixie looking style, and then all of a sudden bald spot after bald spot would emerge, until I eventually lost all of my hair. I woke up in a sweat and panic, wondering if this haircut thing was such a good idea or not.

Just like Meg Murray, I went to face my fears. Walking through those big glass doors of About Faces was a lot harder than I imagined it would be. I was hit with the familiar scent of shampoos and conditioners. I saw the pretty girls walking in in front of me with their long thick wavy hair, their new color and highlights, their perms...I just kept walking towards the front desk and pulled my black cap tighter down my forehead.

"Can I help you?" the girl dressed in black behind the front desk asked.

"Yes, actually. I have an appointment with Tiki today at 5:30 but I wanted to take a look at some of the books first."

"Of course, just follow me..."

Just as I walked past the front desk with the girl, Tiki came from around the corner.

"HEYYY!! Aren't you a bit early?" she asked, all smiles.

"Yeah, I figured I would come and take a look at some books to get an idea for what I want."

"Oh yeah? Do you have an idea of how you want it to look?"

I looked at her enthusiastic face and tried to choke back the tears as I shook my head. Wow, I didn't think talking about it with her was going to be this difficult.

"I don't have a clue, Tiki. I can't even begin to think of possibilities right now. I keep looking at it and see nothing but a hopeless ugly look," I said, pulling my cap off with an exasperated sigh.

She like everyone else only saw the first two.

"It doesn't look so bad..." I pulled aside my hair to part it all the way over to reveal the larger bald spot, "Oh," she continued, "you grew more spots. I don't know what this could be. This is truly puzzling me that it happened so sudden to you," she commented like a mother would.

She guided me over to her chair and offered me some short hair style books that she had. As I sat in her chair, she started to play around with my hair, trying to visualize the possibilities. That's when the tears came.

I couldn't stop them. I felt the tears building up, and saw the rims of my eyes turning red.

"Oh, please don't cry, babe. You'll make me cry."

And that's just what I did. We were both just sitting there crying as I explained to her how difficult this was. She told me she couldn't even imagine.

But then something magical happens. Do you ever feel like sometimes you're in the right place at the right time?

That's how I felt at that exact moment. We sat there in high hairdresser chairs, facing each other, teary eyed - and then Tiki said the most empowering things.


"You know, Em...I think that you should just say fuck it and stop wearing the hats. I know that you still have a while to go yet until you feel comfortable with everything. But once you do, I challenge you to remove the hat and just wear it with pride. Accept it, own it, embrace it full throttle. I am a firm believer that thoughts and feelings and physical things connect at some point. That once you set your foot down and decide not to allow this to rule your life, that hair is going to grow back faster than ever. Fuck what people think. You've already let this consume you. It rules your life now...you think about it constantly. This is a sign for you to take the time and really dig deep into yourself to find you...to be comfortable with yourself. To look in the mirror and not just see the hair - but see that inner beauty that everyone else sees. To see all of the inner qualities that make you such a gorgeous person. Finally, you'll be able to take off that hat and relieve the burden off of your shoulders and put it on other people's. Let them stare if they want to stare. Let them say "eww" as they walk by. If they have a problem with it, that's okay, because you know you won't. You'll be perfectly fine with how you are. Why should you continue to wear hats to help other people feel comfortable? Let them take some of the burden from you...you are a very powerful person. And with great power comes great responsibility. This is your legacy, your thing to leave behind. That no matter what came your way, you were you. You were strong."


At this point, I had stopped crying. I felt so empowered by her words. I don't think I will ever be able to thank her enough. As I left to go back to work, I placed the cap back on my head, but with a new resilence. Knowing that one day, as I mend inner self slowly and gradually day by day, I will take this hat off, and I will proudly accept myself for everything that I am. I did with the Cerebral Palsy. I did with the limp. I learned to be myself despite what other people said or how they treated me. And this is nothing different.


I couldn't wait to get off work to go down and get the haircut started. Tiki had said that my ponytail was long enough to send off to Locks of Love. I made the decision to have my hair donated there. I hope that my hair can help to provide a wig for a cancer patient. Someone who really needs that wig and must be going through an extremely overwhelming amount of pain. Someone I look up to with so much respect and awe.


This is what I walked away with (hopefully it'll go to a good home):

As for me, I can't tell you how liberating it felt to cut my hair off. Tiki stood to the side with her scissors and stared at me in the mirror with a smile on her face.

"Are you ready?" she asked.

"I'm ready," I said. I was more ready than I ever thought I'd be and I think she did a fantastic job. You can't see any of the bald spots!

Today is the big day...

I get my haircut today. And the past day and a half have not been the best way to lead up to this nerve-racking event.

I have all these mixed emotions inside. I have been crying and thinking (alternating each at every hour it seems) over what happened on Monday night. But I have also been so completely nervous and excited for today. At first, I was so happy and so excited thinking that this would be something new, something exciting. A way to jump into a fashion extreme makeover head first.

But then I started thinking about what I had to work with - and I started to worry. Right about now, at this very second, I have this emptiness in my stomach that keeps churning around in my insides. I kept looking last night at that one small bald spot in the very front, where my middle part would land (and has landed since I've been wearing my ponytail). What is Tiki going to be able to do with that?

And last night, when I was putting on the steroid cream, (I always have one hand ungloved to feel for the bald spots in the back, and the other one to administer the cream) I felt three bald spots in the back of my head. To my fingers, they felt huge. I don't know how big they are in real life. I just wish they would grow back in the next 8 hours before I have to go to my haircut.

Because with all those bald spots, how is it going to be feasible to have a nice haircut? Am I risking looking even more like a freak for going today? I already feel like a freak as it is.

I know he says he didn't mean the things he said to me, but God, I really took it to heart. I felt my heart sinking into the pit of my stomach while on the phone with him. I suddenly felt like the biggest freak in the world. It's a bittersweet thing when you allow someone that close into your life that they have that kind of impact on you.

So yes, I am still very mad at him. But I still need a best friend. Especially today of all days. The day when I am scared shitless out of my mind.

Will I still be able to look into the mirror and see the same person staring back at me that I have known for 21 years?

At this point, I don't think I ever will be able to. But one can only continue to hope.

-=EDIT=-

***I did not forget about all of you and that article. For the past few nights, the emotional rollercoaster that I have taken myself on has kind of taken away time from my saved Word document. But I have been working on it. It's probably going to be my longest blog EVER but then again, you guys like having something to read when you're bored, right? :-) ***

Honesty always the best policy?

I don't know what to do anymore. I couldn't sleep all night and now it's morning. I can't even say that we are arguing really because I tried to end it on a semi-good note. Only because that's how I always try to do it - I never like ending anything mad.

But what do you do when someone so close to you has said something so hurtful, and so mean that you don't even know what to say? Should you let it affect your life as much as you have let anything else they have said to you/about you?

Part of me says no, you should keep going on with your life, don't let it get to you. But the other part of me, the part of me that holds compassion and love for this person is telling me to feel so crappy. I feel like I'm no longer good enough to go out into public with anyone.


I will always be his friend, no matter what he has said to me - but it's the initial hurt that hits, and that you can't shake away right away.

I finally put on make-up today...

and it's all for the benefit of a 1-year old. A cute 1-year old at that. TL has decided to let me spend the day with her "big sloppy puppy". I actually can't wait.

I know it sounds silly that I put on make-up...but I guess it's not just for Ryder-bear. It is really for me. To get my ass out of bed and into a more focused, positive mood. Especially when I'll be surrounded by an energetic little boy all day. I am excited and I am sure that Ryder will keep me on my toes which is just what I can't wait for.

There is an article that I was reading last night that I had been given the link to through this other yahoo group that I am a member of for Korean Adoptees (K@W).

"Do Parents Feel Differently About Their Adoptive Children Than Their Offspring?"- from the New York Mag. It took me about an hour to read it (because there were some paragraphs that were so appalling to me that I had to read them twice) but when I finally finished, I was left with this horrid, bitter taste in my mouth. I felt like I had just been fed a full-course meal of total bullshit. And I wanted a refund for that hour.

I want to write more on this article and critically piece it apart to figure out why exactly I didn't like it. It would be much easier for me to piece it as a whole and brand it with my seal of "Don't Read This Trash!" and be done with it. But this piece seemed to have been written with care (albiet hard to believe that it was) by the writer, and thus, I feel that I should take the time and care to analyze why I didn't like it.

I've been working on it some this morning, rereading some sections and really trying disect what it was that disturbed me so much. Was it the constant reminder of the Bradgelina adoption frenzy? Was it the mention of Madonna's baby boy? Was it the breakdown of how other people viewed their adoptions? Or was it because everything stated in that article was the horrible and utter truth - that the views held and the visions of those who carry forth the act of adoption are wrong -but that sadly everything in that article was true?

I'm not sure. At this time, it's a little bit of everything.

It also prompts me to question what brought this article about? Why all of a sudden are we trying to broaden our thought process as to whether or not parents feel differently about their adoptive children than their offspring?

As an adoptee, I have had my issues. I have had my battles, and I have had the struggles that most adoptees face growing up in America with white parents. I can only hope to shed a light whenever I do seminars or workshops or things like that, into the world of which I have grown to see myself.

For now, I must bid you all ado. I'll think more on this article over the weekend and might just have a nice blog about it by the end of Sunday.

BTW, how priceless is the woman who decided to adopt because God came to her one morning while she was jogging?

Coming to you LIVE, from the world of The Brave...

There has been a lot of stuff going on in the past few days. (However many it has been since my last post. Yes, I have been that busy that I don't even know.)


Let's start with the good news first:



On Monday, I received a call from Ray Noppinger from DORS. You might all remember him from my previous post.

Ray (Mr. Noppinger, after you hear this story, you'll call him Ray, too. Not worth the time spent in saying his formal name.) said that the Driving Workforce and Technology Center had finally called him back sometime last week and he had forgotten to call me when they did.

I waited silently on the phone for him to continue and he took the cue.

"So I spoke with John and he said that you don't need to go through another evaluation. They are going to be able to use the one that you got from Good Samaritan. Now, however, you need to have at least 10 hours of in driving instruction, which is what we talked about the last time you were here. Now, you see, there is that issue of the waiting list - which I told you about last time you were here, too, as I am sure you remember. It is going to be a 6-8 week wait, at most. I am not even sure if I could even tell you if you're on that list or not..."

I stopped him because he kept stuttering silently and repeating himself, "And they will be the ones giving me the driving lessons, then? What is the next step for me to do? I can't handle waiting any longer for this to go through."

"Oh, well I don't know, I just don't know about all that. Actually..." he paused and moved himself from the phone for a second, as if to be sifting through massive piles of paper. I could remember the overwhelming stacks of memos, and letters, and forms all over his desk, so overwhelming that it took him ten minutes to find the forms I needed to fill out while I was in his office.

"Here, you know what I think you should do. I think you should call this woman and find out what is going on over there. I think you should shake things up a bit," he said, as if he came up with the most brilliant idea ever: Hey!! What am I doing working and actually trying to earn a living as an advocate for people when YOU could be doing it for yourself and I could still get paid through the State?

"Me? Are you sure that's okay?" I asked, not knowing whether or not I would even be allowed to contact this Workforce and Technology place.

"Sure, sure here, here's the number."

So I did his job for him. I called over to the Workforce and Technology Center and spoke with the lady at the reception desk.

"Oh yes dear! You're the girl that Ray has been talking about - we called him last week to let him know that you would need the 10 hours of driving practice, but that we still needed a changed authorization form from him. He has never gotten it to us yet," she said. She seemed nice enough, and so I just went on my rant.

I told her how long I'd been waiting for this, how I'd been told that I wouldn't be able to get the driving lessons right away, about that weird cheap-skating woman that I went through the first time. I told her everything.

"Okay, hon, well hold on one second. We were waiting for Ray to send that authorization form but he hasn't, so let me put you on hold for just a second."

That second turned into 15 minutes, and I was at work and sort of getting impatient (feeling that my boss would walk by and write me up for being on the phone but at this point I was not going to hang up this phone).

She finally came back to the phone and said, "Well I just spoke with the driving instructor, and we are not going to require that form. So let's start scheduling, shall we? We don't want you to lose your job."

Okay, so I had told her that if I didn't get some sort of form of transportation that I would lose my job. Sounds a bit dramatic, I know but seriously, I am not joking. If you met my boss, and saw how she treats people and their problems, you would understand. She has no understanding for any issues that come up into my life - mostly because she can't believe that one person who is younger than her (she is 35 or something like that) could be experiencing other life experiences that she hasn't yet. She has that age-is-god complex, where she thinks she is better than me because she is older.

But that is for another post - what is fucking awesome is that I SKIPPED THE LIST!!! They told me that I wouldn't have to wait the time because I already had a job and that I was a higher risk because I had more to lose without transportation.

Should have mentioned that I would lose my sanity if I didn't have transportation soon...although I feel like I have already lost that.

I am so excited. I couldn't believe it while I was on the phone with her. She started rolling off dates and times, and saying that she was placing my name in their scheduling book. Can you believe that??!

By the end of October, I will have that letter that says I have gone through the 10 hours of training with the left foot accelerator. And that letter will then go to the MVA for them to process, and then I will be able to get that restriction taken off... that way I can start to get those 60 hours with my friends and family, rather than some driving instructor.

And the best part about all this? That I don't have to pay! (at least that's what they told me... so let's keep our fingers crossed)

Bad news? I have five more spots on my scalp. It's getting to the point where not even pulling it into a ponytail is helping disguise it. I am almost to the point where I am so frustrated that I have stopped caring. I don't wear make-up anymore, or try to take the time to take care of myself like I used to in the morning. My routine is to wake up, take a shower, clean up all the fallen hair, pull what remains into a ponytail and grab a hat and throw it on my head.

I have made a plan and placed an appointment to go get my hair cut next week on Wednesday @ 5:30 pm. It's at About Faces in my building. I love it there. Before all this started, I would go there to get my hair cut and I felt like Tiki (my hairdresser) really knew what I wanted. I saw her a couple weeks ago when this all first started, and I was sitting downstairs waiting for my ride to get there, right before we went to Shorty's and I had a hat on.

She came up and gave me a hug. Asked me where I had been and what I had been up to. And then she saw. She saw and she then lowered her gaze from my hairline to my eyes and she gave me a big hug.

"Oh, hon, don't worry about it. You're still beautiful and there are things that can be done. There are things out there - wigs, and a haircut can change it all."

Alright Tiki, I am taking up your offer. I am going to cut my hair short for the first time since my sophomore year of high school. We'll see how it goes. I am really sort of excited because it's something to look forward to and it's something new, and I actually will be able to apply the steroid cream on my scalp bald spots a lot better with short hair than with the long hair that always gets in the way.

Well off I go to bed, everyone. Tomorrow is Friday so I hope everyone is getting ready for the weekend!