Monday, December 31, 2007

Resolution #2

So The Seed & TL have been working on this magnificent, fantastic, phenomenal, earth-shattering end all, be all soundtrack. And after talking to TL at great lengths last night about music, I have come to my 2nd resolution for the year 2008:

Revisit all my old albums.

When I say 'revisit', I mean that I want to grab my big ass black case of CDs, and prop it next to my bed, and listen to every single one of them. (Some of the albums I have I removed from my iPod awhile back when I started a phase of being selectively moody and extremely picky of which songs would "make the cut")

TL and I were talking about how every single time you revisit a song, you know it's a fantastic one because each time you listen, there's another meaning than the one you previously thought was there. They might both be there - but you suddenly have a whole new appreciation for the song that you'd never had before.

I felt that way about Coldplay, Radiohead, Frou Frou, Imogen Heap, and Paula Cole (among some others) the very first time I heard them.

I remember listening to "Tiger"(from Paula Cole's 'This Fire') at age 13, and sitting there, listening to this grown woman scream and curse, and yell at the top of her lungs. It was raunchy, it was raw, it was dirty, it was sexy, it was annoying, it was frightening, it was inspiring, and it was melodic...all at the same time. It was way too many emotions to take in at one time, and although there was a quality in her voice and melodies that attracted me, I remember thinking after the track had ended that I was leaning towards not liking it very much.

I came back to the track 2 years later, this time it was late at night, and I just popped any old CD into my CD player out of the pile on the floor and it turned out to be 'This Fire'. Suddenly, "Tiger" starts playing and the lyrics immediately pop out at me...I remember thinking, Holy Shit! This is crazy great stuff right here!

"I've left Bethlehem and I feel free, I've left the girl I was supposed to be and someday I'll be born..."

Oh. my. goodness. That's all I have to say. And where before, her screaming towards the end of the song had frightened me, the second time I heard it, it was the best fucking part of the song. It was affirmation that no one was holding her down, no one was going to force her to fit anyone's mold, and she was finally finding who she was, and who it was she wanted to be, regardless of what people thought. That's exactly how I was feeling around that time - and still do.

Sooo, if you see me at a stop light one of these days or rolling through your neighborhood, don't be too surprised to see the windows down and me screaming "High and Noon!!!" like a possessed crazy ass. I'm just 'revisiting' my albums.

Friday, December 28, 2007

I'm a spaz and not ashamed to say it.

This year has been one of the most interesting years for me yet. Personally, speaking, that is. I feel like I have a done a lot of spiritual and emotional growth in 2007, and have come to terms with who I am a helluva lot better than I have in past years.

For instance, I am a complete spaz. How do I know this? Because secretly, I have begun to stress over everything. And when I say secretly, I mean that I am a closet spaz. The kind of person that looks cool as a cucumber from the outside - the girl who says things like, "ohh, I am not worried one bit!" with a reassuring laugh, or "I don't give a damn!" with defiance and consternation when really inside I am like a Jenga game missing a dozen or so of my sturdy pieces and about ready to collapse at any time.

Does it mean I am crazy? I don't know, for sure. I think it makes me a lot more sane, to be quite honest. I think anyone who says they don't care about something is probably trying to hide the fact that they are deathly worried about something else. I just admitted to myself this year that I most definitely worry about way too much.

And this isn't zoned to any particular thing, or part of my life. My spazziness holds no boundaries and no prejudice. And it's not that I worry every single second of my life because then I would definitely go insane, but I guess I am talking about those specific times where I find myself feeling trapped, and with an acute case of butterflies fluttering wildly in my stomach. Those are the times that I wish I was more like my high school teenage self. I think I handled stress a lot better when I was younger, which is unusually the opposite of what most people say. I have heard that stress management gets better as you get older but for me, I've become a lot more lop-sided on this issue of "stress management".

I think because I found the definition of "worthiness" to have a lot more credibility than when I was younger. I didn't really have people I cared about or who cared about me in my nearest surroundings like I do now. There's more at risk if something goes wrong, or if I don't feel like I am measuring up to my own standards.

Anyways, for New Year's, resolution #1 is to not be such a spaz. This is a tricky one. I don't want to QUIT worrying completely because then I run the risk of becoming a complete asshole. (Who wants that?) I think the resolution more specifically is that I just want to learn how to pick my worrying battles. Pick the ones I know are worth the worry, and shed the other ones away. Stress is great, and an awesome character builder and I don't ever want to push it out of my way - just shave a little bit off of the sides here and there. That's Resolution #1, so far. The rest are more to come as I think of them.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Something to tide you (me) over...

I haven't blogged as well as I'd like to recently. Haven't had as much time to lolly-gag as I would have thought around the holiday season.

But in the meantime, let me share with you a track that I have been falling in love with as I've hit the road to visit with family and friends over the past few weeks. If you listen closely to the track or read the lyrics carefully - there is a little bit of everyone between the lines.

No I'm not color blind, I know the world is black and white.
Try to keep an open mind, but I just can't sleep on this tonight.
Stop this train, I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can, but honestly - won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it, don't wanna see my parents go
One generation length's away
for fighting life out on my own
Stop this train I wanna get off and go home again
I can't take the speed its moving in
I know I can, but honestly - won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young.
So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man, said help me understand
he said turn 68, you'll renegotiate...
don't stop this train,
don't for a minute change the place your in
don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand,
John honestly, we'll never stop this train...

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I will never stop this train

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

DAY ONE: Getting off my lazy ass

Please don't ask me why, but for some reason (and thank goodness for whatever it was) in the early peaks of sunlight this morning, while slipping my body away from the comfort of the warm covers to enter the sharp cold air of my bedroom, I hit an epiphany.

EJ, my subconscious whispered to me in my sleepy stupor, you should pack work-out clothes for lunch time.

Thus, for whatever Force possessed me, I walked out of the house this morning with the now unfamiliar feeling of my gym bag strap pressing diagonally against my chest. Contents: A bottle of water, gym sneakers, my comfy Puma black track pants, and matching tank and some sport socks.

I don't know why I thought today would be a good day to start back at the gym, but in the end, I am glad that I did.

Once 11:45 am rolled around, I glanced at the clock, hoping that somehow it'd motivate me to get my lazy ass up off the chair. And then I made the announcement to my coworker over in the next cubicle (Anyone who has ever worked in a cubicle environment understands that there somehow or other is an unspoken bond between you and one of the cubicle mates around you, mine just happens to be right next to me.) that I was to go to the gym.

"Really?! Are you joking? The gym?!" she exclaimed.

Her tone embarrassed me. Okay, okay, people, I've been slacking. Hardcore. But it felt like with my hair, also went my energy. That's not the case now, but it was at one point.

"Yeees," I answered slowly, "yes, I plan to go to the gym in the next few minutes."

"It's been a couple months since you've been hasn't it?"

Wow, okay. Even worse when someone other than John Basedow, Jr. notices and makes comment of you not having gone to the gym in a while. The scene and motivation was set now. I was committed. I had to go to the gym now to prove all these people I could. That, and prove to myself.

I walked into the familiar sights, sounds and smells of the gym. Walked into the dressing room and was immediately greeted by a familiar face. When I used to work out everyday before I lost the hair, I had become friends with a lot of people I'd see everyday there. The workers, the gym-goers, everyone. But particularly this lady, A. She works in my building actually, and is absolutely the sweetest person you want to meet. When I first met her, she had told me she started going to the gym to get back into shape. She was probably the most committed, and determined person out of all the people at the gym, besides the older lady that I always see that looks tighter than the Abs Made Simple video.

She asked me where I had been since it'd been awhile since she had seen me.

I explained to her that I had taken a little hiatus from working out - mostly from depression and sadness in the beginning, but in the end, it turned out all right - leading to a peaceful inner me and a better handle on my inner strength and capabilities. All the fun stuff you've been reading about here.

Once I began to tell her about the alopecia, I removed my ski hat to reveal my shaved head.

"Well, it looks great," A said, "you have a beautiful face anyway."

"Thanks." (I never know what to say when people say this to me. I take to feeling the redness in my cheeks settle in and I smile and just nod my head and offer a quick, "thanks")

The rest of my workout went rather fast. I grabbed an elliptical and A grabbed one right next to mine. We talked about everything from Christmas shopping, to her by-pass surgery, to her new diet, to even trying to get her husband out for exercise. Within 45 minutes, we had both run about two miles a piece and didn't even feel like we had run anything at all.

"I am so glad that I ran into you today, EJ," A said, offering me a hug.

"No, no...hey, thank YOU for running into me here. My first day back went a helluva lot better than I expected because of you." And I meant it.

I am a full believer that things happen for a reason, and going there today and feeling like I was truly missed by people I wasn't even sure had acknowledged my existence every day at the gym really helped to solidify all the reasons in my head that I had had about how good it was going to be getting back into working out again. I feel like a million bucks after that run, too.

Monday, December 17, 2007

I am so behind...

I know, I know people... my birthday has gone and passed, and what's worse? Three people have blogged birthday wishes for me on my actual birthday... way before I even got to do the same thing!!

Blah, I will get to it eventually. 'Tis the season to keep your sanity cap on tightly, brave those massively packed mall corridors and purchase gifts for every Tom, Dick, Jane and Harry that you know (I know more guys than girls, what can I say?) and hurry your ass home so you can wrap them all up with nice paper and ribbon, etc., etc., etc...

It might sound like I am a bit "bah humbug-ish" but really, I do love this time of season sans the damn Christmas carols! I love going out and buying gifts for all my close friends and family, and wrapping them up, and then seeing the surprised faces and happy faces all over the place.

But this year is different. I am just not ready. At all. It's bad when John Basedow, Jr has totally and fully completed his X-mas shopping and I have still five or six people to buy for...that's bad. Why? Because I specifically remember several years being spent going out the day before X-mas to help him buy gifts for everyone. It was fun, but I was glad it was him that was behind and not me. And now, it's me. Revenge has reared its ugly, nasty head.

So I guess that's why this year's holidays hasn't been as pleasant as it should be for me. And it should be tons pleasant. Mainly because I can drive myself ANYWHERE and EVERYWHERE to go X-mas shopping. Which, might I add, I have been. I am loving it, and have grown to love driving more and more each day - except for parallel parking...that's not something I love at all.

Alas, though, I haven't forgotten to write about my birthday. I love all that were able to make it out to celebrate - it made my year to see all those happy faces. And a great big love to all those who couldn't, just 'cause you weren't there doesn't mean that I didn't feel your love in other ways this year. I have been completely blessed with everything that I have overcome this year - and all of the friendships that I have that have grown stronger, and new ones that I am excited are just beginning... and just all the wonderful growth that I feel that I have made for myself, personally - even though the times were tough and sometimes ugly - I feel that I have come out a better person, a more confident woman, and I am finally for the first time in my life loving almost everything about myself - and learning to accept the things about myself that I can't change and don't necessarily love all that much. And that's okay.

I promise, pictures, pictures people. I really promise. But hey, I am in a procrastinating mood recently. I just registered for class last night on my laptop in an oversized t-shirt that I got for free from the Irish Festival last year and my comfy brown robe with a cup of hot chocolate listening to the rain beat against my bedroom window... God, it felt so amazing to be lazy. But I knew I had to register soon or die. DIE, I tell you! I still have to go to school later on this week and argue the fact that my financial aid is not showing up on the system to cover my registration from being cancelled. Nothing ever works out like a piece of cherry pie for me... but that's what makes life so interesting with me.

I also promise, more thought provoking posts later on...I have been writing in my journal more and more, reunited my music roots back to John Mayer's "Any Given Thursday" and Radiohead's "Pablo Honey" and cried, and explored my inner workings... and have lots of mind-tittilating subjects that I have feasted my mind on to share with all of you.

***Quick Shout-out to Ms. PT & Jolee*** Thanks for "forcing" me out on Friday night, and "forcing" me to celebrate my belated birthday with you two, and "forcing" me to go to 1722 and talk with the meathead in the back lounge area so I could be your "guy friend" that night. Haha. Have fun in Taiwan, Ms. PT and Jolee, you know I am there for you no matter what.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Four Bucks and a 35 mph wind chill...

So this morning I ran out of the house and forgot to pack a lunch. And then got to work and realized I only had four bucks on me. Rather than spend four bucks on something substantial (and let's face it, who here knows where I could get something "substantial" for four bucks? - Didn't think so.) I decided to go to the 4th level where there are vending machines.

Ahh yes, vending machines that hold to key to unhealthy living. All the unwanted fat and calories I could possibly ask for in just one package of self-dubbed "Homemade Grandma Cookies" or in "Fiery Habenero" Doritos which by the way comes in a bag no bigger than the palm of my hand and holds about the portion size of a 6-month old. (Doritos are my secret enemy. I LOOOOVEEEE Doritos. I have three bags at home hidden in a secret place for that certain someone who likes to come over to my house and chastise me for eating so much junk food. Take that, John Basedow, Jr!! :-))

I just finished my feast of Peanut Butter cookies, Cheese crackers with peanut butter filling, and Salt & Vinegar chips (I know it sounds disgusting right now but it felt soooo gooooood going down). To balance out the equation, rather than buy my regular binge drinking can of Grape soda, I opted for the 20 oz. bottle of Aquafina. That's right. I went for the 20 oz. Boo yah!

The wind is ridiculous near my building. Most likely because of the water, and how close we are to it - therefore when the winds pick up - they really pick up. Therefore, in the mornings, I grab the warmest clothes I can find. And seeing as I haven't got too many sweaters/long-sleeved shirts on hand (don't ask me but once I moved into Dumb-dalk I couldn't find half my winter or fall clothing that I once had) I tend to grab summer clothes and layer like a crazy woman.

But apparently this isn't good enough for the "semi-business casual corporate" world that I am in. Whatever that "Semi-business casual corporate" nonsense is. I got called in and told that what I was wearing yesterday was too casual and crossing the line. Not in detail, just that - that it was too casual. But this morning, it came upon someone to tell me in detail why specifically my outfit was too casual yesterday. Apparently - the "flannel" material, mixed with the attached "hood" was too casual. Flannel? What if I am cold? I had a decent shirt underneath but I was freezing in this office.

I was also told that my brown cords were "pushing it" that I had on today. Since when are cordoroys "pushing it" with the code? Do they want me to freeze my ass off and get the chills?

It was suggested to me that maybe I should go back and revisit the employee handbook for the dress code... I suddenly feel like I am back in Catholic middle school.

Monday, December 3, 2007

I Can Drive! I Can Drive!!

Current Count:

1. slight minor bump into the side of the road, onto the curb, that I was afraid had ruined the alignment on my car.

2. Got lost a whole 3 times going to various places within the past week. Two of which I had to phone those I was headed to to get the final directions and find where exactly the hell I had found myself and the one time I was able to find my way home without any trouble at all - granted I don't know how I got where I eventually found myself, but the final result is that I made it home.

1. For one I have been able to visit friends I haven't seen in AGES. Which is always an awesome thing. I love seeing everyone, and catching up. It's nice.

2. Although J was sort of concerned that I might not be able to remember the way to Blockbuster in Timonium, or be able to navigate my way back - I insisted that I would be okay...and whatdoyaknow? I was perfectly fine! I had to drive all the way back York Rd to Towson to get onto Perring Pkwy and take the beltway there (because that's what I was familiar with even though I knew it was out of the way and a longer route) and I got home with no worries.

3. I drove all the way to DC!! Granted J was in the car with me, and I was following D - but still, I have to give it up to me, because going a little above the speed limit has freaked me out recently - due to the fact that I am just still getting used to driving again.

4. I drove BACK to Baltimore from LP's and D's house all by myself...following J... which I tell you, at 4 AM is not particularly easy. Especially cuz I was sleepy, tired, worn out from dancing, etc. But I made it. Although my parallel parking job was crooked, I could've cared less when I got home.

Now it's back to work - I have class tonight but I am soo exhausted. It's funny how just going out a few times in a weekend really wears you out to the core. I am so so so tired, and ready to take a 100-year nap.

PS. I went to LP's "Slumber Party" Saturday night - totally had a GREAT time...more on that later.

AND - I have decided that I want to register for AUTOCROSS this Spring! I told J that I am totally ready - and can't wait to go and have fun!!