I have been back and forth about whether or not I want to blog about this and have decided that all in all, writing about it will probably be difficult, but nonetheless, help me feel better in the long run. Kind of like - blog-therapy.
Today is Mother's Day. And it has probably become one of the most difficult "holidays" to think about for me. I say "holidays" because technically, it is a ruse from the CEOs at Hallmark to market (or shall I say guilt) the consumers into purchasing pretty pink and laced up pieces of paper with matching envelopes to say on one day of the year how much we love and adore our mothers. I personally feel that if you truly love your Mom, you wouldn't wait until some Sunday in May to tell her - you'd tell her every chance you got. Perhaps my views of this holiday will change (in fact, I am praying that they will...) once I bear children, and have my two-year old come scrambling into the kitchen with a Crayola masterpiece that includes green for grass, a picture of me with an obscenely larger than life head, and a bouquet of flowers. But for now, it has become a very depressing day for me.
It's sad to say that despite my strong opinions of what I posted above in regards to Hallmark - that society has eaten this stuff up like gravy. We have Mother's Day sales, and Mother's Day commercial seasons. Suddenly on May 1st, not only do we have a commercial for Rice Krispies, but we have a mother, and her daughters making rice kripies treats together in the kitchen with the uber-sentimental tag line of "The only thing wrong with making Rice Krispie Treats - is that it doesn't take that long" Or something to that nature. I am not attempting to be the Scrouge of Mother's Day - I'm just saying - that damn commercial makes me tear up every time.
'Cause here I am - sitting in my room in Dumb-dalk, while the rest of my family went to the ocean for the day. The entire family. I don't feel left out, per say. I think really what this day helps target is the lack of a strong relationship with my mother. The fact that as much as she didn't want to invite me or have me be there on their mini-getaway is just as much as I don't want to be there. And that truly saddens me. I really wish things were different between us. But I have long given up that dream of us being the mother-daughter friendly type through my long and emotionally draining struggle to be "the good daughter" for years with no acknowledgement or avail.
I mean, I buy her a gift every year and a card. And in that sense, the more I look at it, the more I am just like her in some ways - trying to save face for the good of everyone. I am a chump, because I see everyone else buying their mothers something - and I feel guilty. But what for? Why do I feel guilty that I don't want to buy her a gift? Or is guilty really the right word? I notice that when I bought her her gift with LP, I got into gift mode. I got into the giving mentality. Regardless of who it was I was buying it for, I called my mom up and asked her what type of purse she was looking for. I think for a second I just wished that I could just give to her a gift out of love rather than out of necessity. I wasn't truly "guilted" into it rather than me, myself feeling this overwhelming need again to please her. As if buying her a gift on the day that you're supposed to love your mother is going to erase all the hurt and pain she has caused me.
I was over at my parent's house this weekend for a day and a half and walked by her room to see the purse I got her just sitting there in her bed. I had tried to share with her my excitement over my purse, and thought we could at least share that simple moment together. But she immediately shrugged me off, and told me that she didn't have time to be excited about it - she had other things to worry about - like making a list for this or that.
And then even worse, I found out she wants to try and medicate my 7-year old brother. I am completely against this and it just...frustrates me from inside all the way out to no end. For the first time in my life, I can't do anything about it. In him I see all of my qualities as a person whether that be bad or good. In him I see all the inner struggles that I dealt with when dealing with her. It's one thing to grow up myself, fighting her, and overcoming the obstacles she placed in front of me. It's a completely different thing to sit back and watch it happen to another sibling. I can't even begin to describe how it made me feel to see him burst into tears on Saturday morning once she shut the door to go out after yelling at him all morning.
"Emmy, Emmy ...I can't take it anymore! She always picks on me...she's always picking on me and I don't know what to do."
It scared me so much to hear my own words just three years ago coming from my 7-year old brother. The same frightened, frustrated and confused tone. The same tears.
I am struggling inside so much right now, knowing that there really isn't much that I can do - and yet feeling like there has got to be something. What do you do when you know the future for someone so small because you lived it yourself?