Thursday, May 3, 2007

Random Blog About Nothing

This week I let school absolutely consume me. Not only did I have a 5-10 paged paper due today for my History class (of which I had no topic until two nights ago), but I needed to figure out the financial aid mishap to secure my right to student loans, and of course, register for the fall.

My horoscope for the week read:
The Full Moon in Scorpio on Wednesday will occur in your mysterious twelfth
house. This may mean that your dreams are very powerful and perhaps quite wild.
You may see very clearly those areas of your life where you have sabotaged
yourself, and this is your chance to begin the process of healing. You need to
ground your energy, and be sure that you do not spend most of the day
fantasizing and daydreaming.

Nothing is more clear than staring at a transcript that is less than stellar. It was more painful scrolling down that line of F's than mentally accepting it like I had been doing. It became a sort of dialogue I made up in my head when meeting someone new, or catching up with old friends: "Oh 2005? It wasn't a good year for me. That fall I flunked out of my classes terribly...I just had a lot going on."

And I did have a lot going on. I was a misguided, confused, unloved (from the mouth of the woman herself), on-the-cusp-of-being-a-young-adult girl. When I look back at what I was
putting myself through because of it: the anguish, the partying, the drinking, the constant escaping...I can see where my mother began the chaos - and where I ultimately ended it. Sure, you know, the situation was crappy, and no one wants to hear that their parents don't love
them, or that they are unwanted by their family. I just look back now and wonder - could I have done anything any differently? I don't think that I would want to - knowing what I know now - and knowing the people that I know now...I don't think that it could have happened any other way.

And yet somehow, I felt like kicking myself in the ass while sitting there, dumbfounded in the student advisor's office, staring at all those F's.

"Do you know where you want to transfer to?" the lady with the jade earrings asked.

"I haven't really even thought about that yet. Should I be thinking about that?" I feel like I am fifty trying to go back and earn my degree. Has it really only been two years?

"Well, yes you should. You know you can't join a P.A. Graduate program unless you have a degree from a four-year institution. And you're coming up to having the full 30 credits you need in order to transfer...your transcript just doesn't show your efforts very well," she was thinking to herself and trying to transmit her thoughts to me at the same time.

My ESP was working wonders. Between her nicely put sentence was, "My have a looong way to go before you're ready to submit this transcript to a school for a transfer."

I knew this. So when I sat down to register for classes, I tried to pick two or three classes that balanced themselves out. I didn't want to get overwhelmed and set myself up for failure. I promised myself when I started back to school last fall semester that there would be no F's on that transcript ever again. Unless of course, the F stood for "Fantastic".


To digress - I have been in this long ongoing battle with my body and its overreaction to the new chemicals and elements all around: basically, my body hates pollen, and pollen hates my body.

I clearly don't remember it being this bad last year. I remember at most it was a sneeze here and there, and a lot of itchy eyes - and that it lasted the first month of spring and then poof! it was gone.

But now I have this sore throat given to me by the kind graces of my post-nasal drip. I also have a bout of chills that come and go - accompanied by a fever in its place. I have lost all signs of itchy eyes - but I kind of want them back because this other stuff is just plain nonsense.

I cracked the window open last night to let some fresh air in, tried to prop my head onto two pillows and wrapped myself in my blankets to keep from getting too chilly. It was the first night that I have slept fully in a week.

So tonight is the paper due night at class. I also expect that he will be handing out something for the final exam review - which is to follow next week. I am slightly nervous. I hate this class. The teacher is amazing, but the subject is plain bloody boring. I stopped reading diligently about the fifth or sixth week (I lasted longer than I expected) and only read enough for me to understand the lectures in class or to answer the questions on the quiz. (Although this last quiz was a doozy and I expect that I will walk in tonight welcomed by a nice big D on the Constitution quiz)

Ahh, okay, back to work. I really want to be asleep right now though.

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