Sunday, April 22, 2007

The $150.00 Connect-The-Dots game

I don't think my life could get anymore complicated at this point. I went to the GS Hospital on Friday morning to get the "clinical rehab evaluation" through this MVA-certified program. First off, that alone is a bunch of bull sh*t because the first lesson I ever learned from this is that "honesty to NOT the best policy". Just because it says "cerebral palsy" on my records, and the technical term of "spastic diplesia" makes it sound even worse... the MVA decided all on their own that despite a letter from my doctor writing specifically that he thought I was capable of driving - that they needed me to attend a rehab facility to show that I was capable to them.

So I walk in, sit down, wait for this woman. She comes out, smiles politely and then leads me into this room.

We sit there and she suddenly sits down in front of me and realizes that...I am not as "slightly mentally retarded" as she thought I was going to be. As she chuckles out of pure uneasiness she looks at her paper holding her pen above it and asks, "So...why are you here, exactly?"

"Ma'am, quite honestly, I have no clue. The MVA just saw two little words of Cerebral Palsy and started freaking out. So they placed a hold on my license, and here I am."

"Well, wait, I see you've already completed and received a certificate for a Driver's Ed program...so that means you've had in-driving instruction already?"

"Yes, I have."

"Oh...so in that case, I am not going to require that you take the driver's assessment testing today...you already have proof that you can drive," she said for her own relief more than mine.
That's awesome, I thought. I get to save myself $150 dollars and I am not too stressed out or nervous then. Cha-ching.

"Okay, let's begin the clinical assessment. It's just going to be testing your cognitive abilities," she said, spinning around in her chair with a black binder and some pages. She turned the table around and sat in front of me placing the pages on the table flat.

Now let me give you some insight - my thoughts on this clinical test in the very beginning were skeptical...but as time wore on, I tried to find some good in it, some sensible reasoning behind it. Thus, I began to think that possibly, it had to do something with the clinical testing that I had done in the past as a child. Being hooked up to a machine with wires to test brain activity, being asked a series of psychological questions to test my ability to answer and handle myself in an "average/above normal" fashion. So here I was, bracing myself for whatever this lady had in store for me...

"Here ya go! This is the beginning of the test. This will be timed now. Please connect the dots 1 through 15 as fast you can," she said whipping out the paper and placing it in front of me while handing me a pen.

I freaked out. Inwardly...but freaked out. Out of pure disgust/pride/surprise/horror [please continue to insert whatever horrible emotion you can here], I paused. I am sure my slight pause in reaction probably embalmed her assumptions of me being an utter retard even further into the recesses of her brain, but I just couldn't contain my surprise.

As I connected dot 14 to dot 15 she exclaimed, "Wow, that was fast!" Not even trying to hide her incredulous tone.

Then she whips out another paper. At this point, I was still in shock over the first...and was praying to give her my slight good graces of hope when...

"Okay, now this is a bit trickier now. That's why I am giving you an example first so you can get a good feel," she explained, "This one...this one involves matching numerics and the alphabet..."

What?! Wait a minute...what is going on? Is this a joke? Is Ashton Kutcher along with J, Gen, or Cheryl, or hell, even L-Boogie going to come out from behind the curtain and shout "You've Been Punk'D!"

No, sadly.

There were more tests to be done. More degrading tests.

As I walked out to the front desk the girl at the computer said, "Miss, I am ready whenever you are..."

I walked up with my purse and glimpsed over at the receipt she was writing out.

"It will be $150.00 total today."

I felt my stomach start to get queasy as I signed the check and handed her the most I have ever spent on a connect-the-dots game.

2 comments:

TL said...

That was, quite possibly- the best piece of writing that I've read from you! I'm sorry that it had horrific undertones, but I felt every emotion. FANTASTIC.

Braving the Arirang said...

HA!! Thanks TL. Hey, you know what they say - out of tragedy comes the best art.

That and the fact that I bought myself a new dress and shoes helped, too. :-)